A few passing thoughts

A Tree - A Kid

2011-11-18T23:10:00.005+05:30

There are some plants we fall in love at the first sight and water it affectionately, see it blossom and grow without an ounce of expectations from it. But before its fully grown, before it bears the fruit of your love, you have moved so far away from the tree - you rarely see it, and when you see it from afar, your heart swells with pride - but nevertheless its not yours anymore. It does not even know you played a part in its survival.

There are some kids, whom we shower with love and affection, see them grow to young adults, bask in their achievements. Disciplining the kid was not your charter, because you were not a parent, but an aunt or an older cousin. Spoiling and pampering were abundantly done and was mutually enjoyable. When you see that same sapling turning into the tree that once you had dreamed it would grow into - you are so far away - so painfully far away - cut out from its life completely.

All that is left is to look at is what can be seen the public domain of the facebook profile, an occasional photo - a small thumbnail of the facebook profile pic and wonder how the kid would talk now? What are her interests now that she is grown up? Does she still like to sing? Is she still a fan of a Sachin and Saurav? Does she remember me or the good times we had?

When the third and fourth cousins are on her "friend" list - you wonder if she was really yours or were you just dreaming? Did you even touch that baby when she was first brought home from the hospital? Did you carry her and walk around the house singing to her to keep her calm so that her mom could eat? Cried when she uttered her first words? Went to her prize distributions with the same pride as a parent? Did you deck her up in your best saree and could not help but shed a few tears of joy seeing her dressed like a doll?

Relationships are crazy - but why do we complicate life so much? Is there no place for genuine love and affection anymore?

Ouch...that hurts :(

2010-11-03T10:49:00.003+05:30

"Please don't shatter the peace and tranquility of life."

This is what I want to remind myself for the rest of my life whenever I get crazy and start believing that there exists a surgical procedure which will last a few hours and recovery period is a day or two max.

A few things I have learnt over the past two weeks:

Feeling tired is not when I come back from office and feel too lazy to move. Feeling tired is that zapped out feeling when you cannot even lift your finger to save your life. Feeling tired is when your whole body feels like a burden to your own self.

Patience is something available in abundance with some people I openly termed "impatient". But for that patience, I would still be a patient.

Unconditional love is not expressed when you proclaim. It is not what you define as "I love you no matter what you do". It is what makes you want to help your loved one in the worst possible situation, which involves stench, sweat, tears, pain and half-conscious and tonnes and tonnes of irritability and accusations.

There are some feelings and some generosities, like the one mentioned above, which cannot be returned. It is not a favor or a tit-for-tat kind of thing. You take a hell lot of time to develop that. Till then sit back and enjoy and count your blessings.

There are very few people who can give you positive thoughts and mean it at the same time. Like a close pal who said "get well and we will go watch a movie" when I was half-conscious, in pain and not sure if I would last the day. Or a child who made lists of "want to do"s with you, when you are up and about. Cherish these people, for there is a dearth of such beings. At the same time, there is an abundance of people who will be all negative and go ga-ga about how stupid you were. I wish to God, anyone in my state would get the strength to show them the middle finger.

Something I never forget, but want to re-iterate, parents are the only people who will stand by you even when you have made an ass of yourself. They are the only ones who will remind you your reasons for making a decision and executing it, when you are cursing yourself for your own foolishness. They are the only ones, who once convinced that something is being done for your betterment, will have their faith no matter what, even when you are convinced it was a wrong decision on your part. Experience says, "they are always right"!!

No surgery ever leaves you well enough to work after a day. All surgeries will cost you your blood and for a weekling like me, it entails a lot of other complications.

First Paycheck

2010-08-12T12:26:00.005+05:30

Imagine working hard for years, when you don't get any paychecks. All that keeps you going is your sheer love for the work your are doing, the way you fall in love with the sculpture you are sculpting. You give all of your heart and soul to that one sculpture. You pour your love and tears and talent into that one sculpture, right from when its a crude stone, when there is no shape or contour to the stone....when you have no idea how it will turn out once you are done with it. I bow down to the power of love, the power of belief that your sculpture is going to be beautiful.

When you can unconditionally love your crude stone, even before it becomes a sculpture, how deep is this love. What a miracle..what a magic this love is. I don't believe you will love your sculpture more than your stone....since you have started off with all you have, all the love you can ever summon from inside, what more can you gather?

I am in a phase, now, when I am seeing the rough outline of my "stone". My crude is turning slowly turning into the idol I dreamt of. Its not done yet, not even half way through and I see my dreams materializing. I see my hard work paying off. I know there is a lot more do, lot more times I have to hit the stone with hard, soft strokes and chip a few rough edges, but at this vantage point, it looks awesome. It shows the tidings of all the good things to come.

The sacrifices I made, the sleepless nights, the despair, the bog-me-downs, every bit of it seems worth it. The stone did not ask me to do all this, the only thing that made me do it was the sheer potential of the stone, to be turned into a beautiful sculpture. I was not born with the skills, to be a sculpture, I learnt it. I was not an expert and still am not....but it made me give my best...made me learn, made me responsible, made me want to do it.

I thank the sculptures who made me what I am today and my idol for bringing out the best in me.

Thank God.....I have what I have. Thank God I did not take any wrong turns while getting here.

New Obsessions

2009-11-20T21:49:00.003+05:30

Brand new obsessions:

1. Farmville - Super addiction

2. Happy Aquarium - I never liked having real pets....these are good enough for me :)

3. Some songs - have heard the same playlist for about 100 times now (eeks...when I think about it)

4. Some people - Go figure :)

More details to follow......I think!!

Yearn....

2009-08-03T19:29:00.004+05:30

If yearning for you is wrong,
Then my heart knows not what is right,
I dream myself to sleep,
Every second of the night.

What is there to do?
What is there to say?
I know I can't have you But still I dream away.

I'd walk a thousand miles,
To see those beautiful midnight smiles,
I'd shed those million tears again,
And go through all the pain,
Maybe give a thousand nights' sleep,
Just to look into those eyes so deep,
But what is there to feel?  
When I know I can’t have you

If you were to be,
You would be my dream come true
I wished upon a star for you 
But what am I to know?
What he had in store
For me, for you,
For the life that awaited us,
Which I now know will remain a dream,
But still I give myself away

My dreams, My Love,
That one part of me,
Stand frozen,
Waiting to be showered,
Waiting to be professed,
Ah, My little Angel,
Its so painful,
To know how much I yearn for you,
And that I can never have you.

Now and Then

2009-05-06T22:42:00.002+05:30

Then:

A four figure salary

Sweet home that cost half the salary

Lots of happiness, smiles...anticipations

Freedom

Lots of lessons learnt....at your own pace...

Life was like a sweet song.....

Then came a little bundle of joy....

Despite the taunts, the tears and the feeling of worhtlessness

Despite people messing up lives....despite thoughts of the unthinkable deed.....

A strong person emerged scathed but hardened by the realities of life...

Like a sculpture's idol....

Now

A six figure salary

Home sweet home that still costs the same

Fewer smiles, search for semblence of consistency day after day

Freedom in a different sense....more of a don't care, "dare to confront?" attitude

Life is still a sweet song....except for those long moments of silence

Bundle of joy more joyous than ever...

Taunters carrying "burdens" of their own flesh and blood.....

Unspeakable truths left unspoken.....limited to exchange of painful looks

Still a strong person, standing tall with head held high.....hiding the wounds which will never heal. Not just scars, the open wounds will remain.....

The wheel has turned.

Eight precise years is all it takes to change your life. To turn it from a total disaster to a total success.

Worst part of the whole experience is that I can no longer respect a few individuals...in personal and professional life. Every new person in my life will evoke a great degree of suspicion rather than the sweet tempered, easy mannered, trusting and doting feeling. Never again.....

The wheel will turn, there will be downturns again....but it will never be this bad.

"Think twice about how you treat people on your way up.....because on your way down you will meet the same people....This time they will be the ones who will be climbing up"

Profound loss....

2009-02-16T22:45:00.003+05:30

I wish you never came into my life,

Even though you brought in a lot of smiles, a lot of meaning to my days,

You filled my heart with a kind of warmth that made me mend my crude ways,

You lent me a shoulder to lean on and an ear to pour my woes,

You became a treasured friend, to whom I had a lot to owe.

Then came the thunder and lightning...

Whence began the parting,

Exodus made me feel tormented by your mere presence,

Made me wonder what is driving us to do this, lose our essence,

I wonder what was happening inside you,

I wonder why I felt so blue,

I wonder what you ached to tell me,

I wonder if it would have changed the course of our lives, if we had paused to see!

Eventually, I wished to get away from you,

Aware, that, in the process I was aching much more than you,

Ensuing days proved the torment was much more tolerable,

A new life meant,

A new flavor of same torment!

A sadness so profound,

That made me forget of life's sweet sound.

Without much ado, I made my peace with life,

Dealt my fate with a iron hand,

When what I needed most was the soothing voice of a special friend.

How I wished you beside me,

When I struggled to acheive what everyone said was not for me,

How I wished you were at my bedside,

When I saw our cute little dream baby lying by my side,

I hoped you were leading a better life than mine,

With a heart full of love and a career that was fine,

I hoped you were happy and contented with an overflowing purse,

and that you remembered me, even if it were just to curse.

I wish God had let us be,

He had other plans for us you see,

He brought us together once again,

It was a miracle, when it felt we were never far away,

We picked up right from where we had left!

Just when the sun started to shine,

We had to part, but its fine,

As long as this will not be a very long hiatus yet again,

When all our efforts to see each other will go in vain.....

Time Travel....

2008-11-07T14:17:00.002+05:30

I picked up this tag from Joy, from where I seem to pick up all my tags :)

Ok here are my thoughts:

Yesterday:

My Oldest Memory - is the day I celebrated my, I think, 8th year birthday. At that time, we used to stay quite far away from my school, in a new house. That was my last year in that school, where I had studied from when I began schooling. And so, my parents thought they would get me a cake to cut in my class (it was a privilege in those days, distributing chocolates would be the common thing). I was drooling over not the cake but all the attention I was about to get. I went with my dad and his friend to get the cake. We bought it from a prestoigious bakery and then my dad suggested we keep it an aunt's house near the school so that mom and me wouldn't have to carry it back in the morning. It made sense, nevertheless, a very disturbing idea as I did not trust my aunt's two children: one a year elder to me and another 2 years younger. But what could I say? My heart was beating in my mouth the whole night and the joy of seeing my cake when my aunt came down the steps with that cake is something I will never forget. I kept wondering from where the two 5 star choco bars came from, along with the cake (I was doubly sure my dad hadn't bought them, chocos were a strict no no back then) till I realized many many years later (ok..I am a slow learner) that it was my aunt's gift!!

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Oh life was pretty boring back then. I was in my second year of Engineering..so surely, I would be sweltering in the class or slogging in the library or running around to get some stupid notes for some God forbidden subject, which I would never ever use in my professional life.

Today:

Your first thought today morning?
"Man tomorrow is a saturday and its a holiday for my kid...so I can sleep in..." I haven't had a decent night's sleep in a month or so.... :(

If you built a time capsule today what would it contain?
It would contain the bliss of life as it is now. I would surely first add in the moment I held my baby in my arms, I can still feel the elation. How blessed and on top of the world I felt that day.....amazing...

Tomorrow:

This year:
Hmm...well, this year is almost ending isn't it? By the end of the year I would like to set up my home and bring some semblence of normalcy into our lives.

What do you see yourself doing 14 years from now?
I see myself out of the rat race, doing what I always wanted to do, teach, whatever I can, wherever I can to whomever I can.

Mixed Bag

2008-09-04T14:57:00.002+05:30

I am happy, tensed, apprehensive and a lot of things. And why is that? Coz I am going to set up my own home, again, after a really long hiatus of 7 years. The first time was lovely, seemingly uncomplicated and far easier when compared to this time.

First time I set up a home of my own, it was in a different city, with probable visitors ranging from or limited to my parents, in laws and an occasional uncle or an aunt. But this time, its going to be a different ball game. I am setting up my home in the epicenter of our family's activities. This is the time when the prodigal daughter and son, who got married to someone who is not in a "FOREIGN" country, the wife of the blackest sheep of the family, and the husband of the most-uncareer-minded girl (Forgive me..thats such a sad usage), will be judged. Does this bother me? To a little extent I guess. I have not matured enough..not quite..yet.

Anyways, now I get to put my name on the name board. No one ever can dare to ignore my presence or conviniently forget my name now!!!

P.S: I think only my closest family members will understand the significance of the last statement. So be it!

Home...

2008-08-25T08:44:00.002+05:30

We had been studying the unit about animals and their homes for a couple of days. In the middle of something, seeing my son fly across the room, I just said, "I love you honey bee", still looking at my lappie.

And shoot comes the answer, without a pause, without a blink "I love you to, my hive".

I had to stop and think about what he had said.....he just smiled the mischievous smile of his and returned to practice gymnastics, which he is obsessed with after Beijing Olympics.

Man, am I not the luckiest one?

A egotistic post.....

2008-07-21T15:18:00.002+05:30

I am: a scorpion
I think: of my blessings always
I know: I have a horrible temper
I want: to spend every minute talking to my mom
I have: a very very cute kid
I wish: I am a little more matured
I hate: arguing with my dad
I miss: all the things we did in Mangalore
I fear: my temper
I feel: a warmth whenever I see my mother playing with my kid
I hear: Adi's voice always
I smell: wet mud and hot coffee
I crave: for my mother's BBB
I search: for ways to make my parents happy
I wonder: if I have turned out to be a good daughter
I regret: all those days when I hurt my mom
I love: my family
I ache: for my lost innocence
I am not: very patient
I believe: in Almighty and his power to heal the wounds
I dance: with my son
I sing: daily to my son
I cry : whenever I feel I am a second priority in someone's life who is my first priority
I don’t always : see the positive things in life
I fight : a lot with D :)
I write: always in my mind...I have written about 100 bestsellers so far :)
I win: all my arguments with D ;)
I lose: my temper like there is no tomorrow
I never: miss a chance to spend time with my kid
I always: yearn to be near my son and listen to all his stories
I confuse: D, always......
I listen: to my dad.....
I can usually be found: in front of my lappie or cuddling my son
I am scared: of vermins....yuck
I need: to learn not to speak aloud my thoughts always...
I am happy about: All that God has given me till now...including the pains and tears....

If you ask stupid questions be sure you will get stupid answers...

2008-07-03T11:12:00.003+05:30

A dialogue with a supposedly intelligent man:
He: So which school are you putting your son in?
Me: Oh I have a few options, but I think I will put him in XYZ.... (unnecessarily chatty...*kick*)
He: Oh I see, is this XYZ a good school?
Me: Oh no, it is the worst school ever. Did you know they make the kids clean the drain on a daily basis there? My, how I love to have my son do it, bedsides they whip the kids once in a while.

How I wish I had said all that....I just screwed up my face and said "Yes". Another *KICK*

Phantom Limb Pain???

2008-06-19T14:39:00.003+05:30

One phrase uttered and so much of pain felt. It originates at the heart, spreads to the soul as a single shooting, sharp arrow. I sit there having a lot fun, laughing my lungs out, when all of a sudden, one phrase catches my attention. My mind tries to drag my heart away, tries to make fun of it too, like everything lese, but.....

"We are beating them at their own game!!!"

Uttered with so much pride, eyes twinkling, a smile peeps out. A smile of achievement. Why did it hit me like a bolt of lightning taking my breath away?

I was a part of them, not so long ago. I am a part of "We" now, solely because I was a part of them then. Can I ever cease to be a part of them? Rather can I ever "ampute" their essence from my life? The essence which made life livable, bearable and gave me a ray of hope in the darkness of night.

Why do these emotions catch me unawares always?

This pain is the sensation from a part of my soul, a part of my being that has been lost.

From which I no longer receive signals. Or do I?

And Life goes on!

2008-05-29T09:40:00.002+05:30

End of yet another chapter.
Begining of yet another.
The end leaves a pain as always
The begining causes butterflies in the stomach, as always
Incertitude of the end as well as the begining looms large ahead, which is nothing new
"What if's" and "If only's" play games making the mind askew
Where did those years go? Years of toil, hard work and warm tears shed
Thanks to the supreme force that prepared me for my rough years ahead
And life goes on.....

Carrying a Grudge...

2008-05-02T09:01:00.003+05:30

An interesting topic for me from here.

She was feeling so burdened. She was overpowered by a minute speck in the universe. She felt hatred towards a few people because they seemed to be so far away from her own pains and stayed oblivious to the fact their every word were slicing through her heart. She felt nauseated with him when he acted as though what had happened had not even touched him, let alone hurt him. She was overwhelmed and hurt at the same time looking at his "nevermind" attitude. She thought about how everytime someone made a small joke about him she had flared up to support him. It hurt her to think that he did not seem to have noticed how they had bruised her so far and continued to do so. She despaired his lack of action. She kept brooding when he would speak up. She knew the words had hurt him as much as it had hurt her. But still the fact that unlike her he did not cry, unlike her he did not feel belittled, unlike her he did not feel humiliated, made things worse for her. Those were the situations which forced her to carry a grudge. She nurtured her grudge with the same care she would nurture her baby. It was not all her fault though. The same people fed her grudge enough for it grow uninhibitedly. Some day, she thought, I will prove them all wrong and make them feel sorry for what they did and what they said.

One day she did, she had proven all of them wrong. She had taken all of them by surprise. She had shown her strength and that day she looked carefully at her grudge. It had grown by leaps and bounds. She immediately deduced she was driven to perform well by her grudge. She thought she was correct in carrying a grudge against them who had wronged her.

She confronted him then about his lack of action and lack of a grudge. He just smiled and asked her what was that mattered to her the most, now that she had done both - carried a grudge as heavy as a ton of iron and achieved a goal as important as a breath. It was then she realized, the grudge was just not as important as it was a few years ago. The people against whom she harbored the grudge had ceased to be important in their lives. What was important was that she had him and she had his support. She then realized, it was not her grudge that had driven her towards her goal, it was his support. He did, indeed, carry a grudge. By supporting her he had nurtured his grudge. He had carried his grudge all along.........

Tid Bits.....

2008-04-28T13:14:00.003+05:30

I read Joy do a tag and found it interesting. I just picked it up even though I am not tagged. Let me see how much I have to think/recall to answer each one of these simple questions. Life has been so dull and full of unnecessary crap that I have started to forget what I am really like......So lets see....

Last Movie You Saw In A Theater:
Taare Zameen Par; I liked the movie but regretted taking Mom along. One regret that I will carry all my life

What Book Are You Reading:
Five Point Someone, by Chetan Bhagat; The book sucks big time *Yuck*

Favorite Board Game:
Chess; I cherish all those times when I spent hours together plotting against my Jeeju, who has till date not lost a game!

Favorite Magazine:
Frontline and Outlook

Favorite Smells:
Smell of a hot hot Mysore Pak! Lip smacking!!!!

Favorite Sound:
Adi's voice;

Worst Feeling In The World:
Hatred

What Is The First Thing You Think Of When You Wake? :
The moment I wake up I look at my baby sleeping peacefully, with a half-opened mouth and think "When did the time fly?"

Favorite Fast Food Place:
Quite a few actually...ranging from Dosa camps to Bhel houses

Future Child's Name:
Aditi....if at all she is born

Finish This Statement. "If I Had A Lot Of Money I'd...”:
Buy D a lot of CD clothes and build us a private swimming pool

Do You Drive Fast? :
Well....I did, 5 years back...but no, not anymore.

Do You Sleep With A Stuffed Animal?:
I sleep with my little-5 year old-animal-who-is-stuffed-with-warmth-and-love

Storms-Cool Or Scary? :
Literal ones - cool; Metaphorical - scary; been through enough storms already

What Was Your First Car?:
Was? None :( ; Will be: A Honda/A Chevrolet :)

Favourite drink:
A cup of Cappuccino....yummy...

Finish This Statement, "If I Had The Time I Would .....” :
Spend every minute with Adi....

Do You Eat The Stems On Broccoli?:
Broccoli is edible? *Surprised look* When did they declare it edible???

If You Could Dye Your Hair Any Color, What Would Be Your Choice? :
Peppy pink...yoooohoooo

Name All The Different Cities/Towns You Have Lived In
Bangalore and Mangalore

Favorite Sports To Watch:
Swimming and Volley Ball

One Nice Thing About The Person Who Sent This To You:
"Not Applicable" -- As they say in application forms

What's Under Your Bed?:
Dust would be my guess....Coz if I bend down to look I will sneeze till my heart rips open...

Would You Like To Be Born As Yourself Again?
Well....sure.....but my parents deserve better....

Morning Person Or Night Owl?:
While studying - a night owl; while working - a morning person

Over Easy Or Sunny Side Up?:
Neither

Favorite Place To Relax:
Yet to come across such a place

Favorite Pie:
Apple pie...with a dollop of ice cream.....

Favorite Ice Cream Flavor:
Depends...strawberry usually...

Of All The People You Tagged This To, Who's Most Likely To Respond First?
Me not taggin anyone....

Ok...man was this Fun!!! Thanks Joy..it was really joyful doing this!

Crossroads

2008-04-16T17:07:00.003+05:30

"Giving up something doesn't mean that you are weak. Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let it go"

Why do I stand at crossroads every march-April-may time of the year?

The question should I or shouldn't I arises every year, exactly at the same period.

Now if anyone still reads my blog, help me figure this one out please:

What should be my choice?

1. A good work culture, an OK types of pay, a work environment stinking of politics, a good scope for growth ; A known Devil basically

2. An unknown work culture, a good pay, an unknown work environment, considerable scope for growth; An unknown Angel

"A known devil is better than an unknown angel" is all easier said than done.

Why do we do this?

2008-02-20T10:46:00.004+05:30

Eons ago I was in a place I so detested. Being in that place made me despise the place even more. I kept wondering what makes us do this. What makes people so happy even when they are so humiliated? What makes people say prayers and get all anxious to get the permission to enter some god-forbidden (?) land to be treated like slaves? Right from the way they check your whole body for "possible-hidden-weapons" to the way they make you stand in long queues to the way they ask you to leave the premises once the business is done is all so humiliating.

I saw an old couple appear in front of a one-of-them and fold both palms together and say "namaste". The one-of-them asked them so many questions to, supposedly, ascertain their good intentions and said "Do stay in my country for Christmas. But make sure you don't stay beyond that!". The dialogue ended with a huge belly laugh, of course from the one-of-them. The couple was so overcome by his words that they were speechless. I was shocked to see the expression on the old couple's face. Instead of scorn or even hurt or at least a straight face, it was filled with gratitude! Gratitude? Why? Is that one-of-them doing them a favor? Isn't it the least he can do to enable an aged couple visit their child working like a slave for them, who probably doesn't even have time to come back to his country to see his parents?

Why did I do it myself? I still wonder. I can safely say, because my employers wanted me to. But the reaction of all my relatives was so overwhelming. For a split of a second I felt as though I had unknowingly won an Olympic race when I know I can't even run for my life. It was like "Oh!! Finally!! She has arrived. She is a bit slow on the uptake though. See my kids, they are two years younger to her and already left the country 4 years ago. Anyway, better late than never." Suddenly, "Yene visa banthante? Yavag horadthee?" "Hearty Congratulations!!" were shot at me with wonder in eyes. The unbelieving, we-have-lost-hope-in-you-to-be-a-khandaan-ki-roshni, looks were replaced with joyous smiles. It made me feel as though I was about to commit a huge crime and at the nth moment decided not to, keeping in mind the "family values". A kind of "just miss" :)

When I was growing up, the definition of a successful child in the family would be: has a good job, with a good salary, taking good care of parents, teaching his/her kids good values and taking his/her parents to kaashi and rameswaram. And now it has changed to: Touring the world every 10 days, on company's expense (mind you) and/or staying in a godforsaken land and sending "papers" to his/her parents with ticket money so that parents can "visit" them. It so happens that these "visits" always coincides with the birth of their offspring or transfer of their spouse or some illness. As we say in kannada "Idella Yaava Purushartakko?"

There were only two people who were unmoved (rather displeased with the whole business) by the results of my "holy pilgrimage". One was unhappy because he could have gone to the beach and soaked wet for the whole time that I spent inside a god-forsaken, paraniodly-secure building. Another, because, well, she thinks just like me, rather I think just like her!

Low levels of Seratonin

2008-01-09T09:09:00.000+05:30

Really low levels.

Hope the supplements work.

Pray that it works.

Will be back when seratonin level bounces back to normalcy.

Blessings....

2007-12-13T10:50:00.001+05:30

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

This is so true. During my years of pain and suffering, I often thought about how he had deserted me during my hour of need. I despaired that I prayed to such a God who would just leave me in the middle of nowhere. I nevertheless prayed. In a corner of my heart, a tiny light used to glow which reminded me of my promise to him years ago, when I first started understanding his blessings. "I will pray unto thee" whatever happens, where ever I am, whatever I am. So pray I did.

Now, after the storm, after being uprooted more than once, these words make a lot of sense to me. I shudder to think of all the things that could have horribly gone bad, if he had not "carried" me, so to say. Carry he did. He made sure I came out of the stormy period with minimum of bruises and a cart load of lessons learnt for life. Lessons which would form my life in future.

Thank you lord. Thank you for making me what I am today. Thank you for giving me the strength to survive the storm. Thank you for helping to put my head up today and say "Yes, people I have arrived"

I again promise you, "I will pray unto thee whatever happens"

My Mother....

2007-11-19T19:37:00.000+05:30

When pain and sickness made me cry,
Who gaz'd upon my heavy eye,
And wept, for fear that I should die?
My Mother.

Who ran to help me when I fell,
And would some pretty story tell,
Or kiss the place to make it well?
My Mother.

And can I ever cease to be
Affectionate and kind to thee,
Who wast so very kind to me,
My Mother.

Ah! no, the thought I cannot bear;
And if God please my life to spare,
I hope I shall reward thy care,
My Mother.

When thou art feeble, old, and gray,
My healthy arm shall be thy stay,
And I will soothe thy pains away,
My Mother.

And when I see thee hang thy head,
'Twill be my turn to watch thy bed,
And tears of sweet affection shed,
My Mother.

For God, who lives above the skies,
Would look with vengeance in His eyes,
If I should ever dare despise,
My Mother.

One of the best poems I have ever read. The lines of this poem keep floating to the top of my train of thoughts quite often these days.

We make so many demands as babies, as toddlers, as teenagers and as adults. She is always a taken-for-granted source of help. She meets all our demands, gives all that we want and keeps ready all that we may want. She puts our needs before hers. Her whole life aligns itself with our needs, our demands and our lives. She fights our battles for us or when she can't do that, she will be our pillar of strength enabling us to fight as well as win our battles.

Finally, when the time comes for us hold her hand when she fights her last battle, just hold her hand, not fight her battle for her, why do people fail her? Why do people think about leaving her in a hospital to be cared for while they go on a jolly trip? I am forced to think what would have happened to the kid had he/she been left in a hospital (or on roads for that matter) so that the mother could go on a jolly trip. Believe me, she would have deserved a break like that. But then she never does that, she would consider such a thought a sacrilege!

What race do we belong to? Where are we heading?

5 Years....

2007-10-09T08:54:00.001+05:30

Well, it is that time of the year again, when I stop to think, to look back, try desperately to hold on to so many beautiful memories the past 5 years have given me. I try not to forget even a single bit of it. I try to collect the memories, the bits of happiness and the moments of joys and hold them close to my heart. Some memories, though, send a shiver down my spine......even today.

Five years ago, I got a bundle of joy wrapped in a blue blanket which stared at me with those bright brown eyes....which held my little finger so tightly and purred at me as though saying "Finally, I get to see you! Hi Maaa!! How are you doing?" I feel as though it was just a week or two ago that I saw your first smile, just a day or two ago, that I saw you take your first steps towards me and looking totally shocked at what you had done. I had to hug you and console you and make you understand, it was the first time you had "walked" on your own, that there was nothing wrong with it.

I still remember the first time you called me "ma". It always used to be "tha", to address anything that moved. But all of a sudden, I heard "Ma", I turned, ran towards you and begged you to repeat it and you wouldn't, you just smiled that angelic smile of yours. Devil. Had to wait with my heart aching for another two hours before you would again say "Maaaa", so softly as though only angels could hear you. I heard you though. Then, out of the blues, a few days later came "ththaththa".

I still remember your first day at school. Looking at all the other kids crying, you were like "Come on guys grow up. This is school for heaven's sake. You cannot have mom and dad around here". I remember seeing you go to a few of your less-brave classmates and saying "Don't cry baby", as though you were a 60 year old. But being my dear brave boy that you are, you started crying a week later when all the other kids had stopped. :)

Looking at you yesterday, I wonder if you are really five years old. Those 2 weeks in the hospital in your first year were the most painful I have ever had to endure. I was scared for your life. It was as though everything had come to an end abruptly. I still shiver when I remember your cries when they poked you all over your body. I still remember the "How can you let them do this to me?" look on your face. I still feel your desperation when you clung on to me for the next 2 weeks all 24 hours without a break. I still remember the friendly baby turned into a hostile patient, screaming at any white coat that approached. I still remember the countless dialogues with God and all the "thank yous" to Him and the relief when they finally let me take you back home. All this was so many years ago?

You are so grown up now, so big, so affectionate. You will start running your rat race very soon darling. Like us, your parents, you have a tough life ahead. You have to grow up to be a person exactly like your father. You have a big challenge there my dearest. I am sure you will. I just hope you will enjoy whatever you do. Whatever you do, whatever you become, be a good human being, just like your father. You are the cynosure of my eyes.....the "light" of my life.....

Vox Populi....

2007-10-01T13:34:00.000+05:30

I was in the good books of some people till last week. And this week, lo and behold, I am in their hit list.

Not that I care though. But just thought I will pen down the exact thoughts that are passing through my mind. Funny....it is. Really.

Till last week, Doctors were good (and at times GOD), had a bright future and statements like "Just watch, he will make more money than you a few years down the line" and "Oh! Medicine?....its the safest profession" were being thrown at me.

Today, all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, I get to hear the dialogues that boil down (well...broadly) to "You are damned" "You are never going to make money like me because your spouse is a doctor and mine is not" (The said spouse doesn't do anything except sit on fat a&& at home all day long...but anyway)

Yo People, what the hell?

If I don't make money be rest assured I will not ask you for alms. If I do (oh yes, I know you would say its not possible.........just shut up!!!!) I solemnly swear I will not give you a penny either.

Go burn in an inferno.....

PS: My current mantra "Yes Boss" (Hope you get the drift....)

A Lament....

2007-09-06T08:25:00.000+05:30

All of a sudden, as I was reading through a "Motivational thought" I remembered the words someone very special had scribbled in my autograph book. It happened years ago..but still, the words kind of echo in my ear, in my soul. That very special person will live somewhere in my thoughts...always.

"Always remember all the time that you have a goal to achieve and to achieve it one should have patience, perseverance and enthusiasm"

Yes, I have always remembered that I have a goal to achieve and I have shown enough patience, perseverance and enthusiasm to achieve it.

If only I could share the joys of achieving the goal with you....If only I could tell you that in spite of so many difficulties I did, finally, achieve my goal...If only I could tell you your words were like a lifeline...If only I could tell you your words meant a lot to me....

Miss you....

Conversation........

2007-08-24T08:54:00.000+05:30

Phone rings.....

Me: Yeah

D: Busy?

Me: Not really...

D: Listen, there is a new Italian Restaurant in town

Me: *Grins* Where? Where?

D: *reads out some excerpts about asparagus and fondue**

Me: Ooooooooooooh *Droooooooooool* .....so when are we going?

D: Oh that? An average meal for two costs &*^% so....

Me: So? *Raises an eyebrow*

D: Never........

Me: "Why then did u call me Buster?"

D: ***Evil Grin and high pitched laugh***

Lazy day...stupid post.....Wish I could be at home....

Anger....

2007-08-06T09:43:00.000+05:30

Yesterday, I was skimming through a magazine and read an article on how to control your anger. The author rightly said, anger is like fire, it burns the source faster than the target. The author went on to say that you should forgive the person who has hurt you and maybe write a forgiveness letter. If you are not up to posting it, just burn it. Once done, you will see your anger melt away.

I wonder if it is that simple?

I have always had those internal conversations about my anger. I always end up telling myself, I am not an angel to forgive and forget. I am, but a human being who has been hit where it hurts the most. I believe if you cannot forget the wrong doing you can never never forgive the person who wronged.

I can never forget the tears that used to well up in my eyes during the days which were supposed to be the happiest in my whole life. I was so full of happiness having got what I wanted the most. All the happiness was washed away in the tears that I shed. I still wonder what I had done to prompt people to do what they did. Everything came as a rude shock and killed my self-confidence and my self-respect, the two things I valued most in all my life. How can I ever forgive them? How can I ever forget those days, when I cried unendingly for no fault of mine? How can I ever forget the fact that it took me years to rebuild what I had lost? More so, a part of it which is gone for ever?

In hindsight, everything worked out as I had planned. There was no reason for them to hurt me the way they did. I was blessed with all that I yearned for. Except for those days, hours and minutes that I cried and did not smile at my happiness, I haven't lost much. Anger of course has burnt me from inside, but as far as I am concerned, it has only burnt the immense respect I had for them. On a positive note, I did gain a lot. I discovered the immense potential I had hitherto unknown to me. Now. I know, I can come out of any number of rough periods unscathed.

Madame Dorothée Deluzy "It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend"

Poem....

2007-08-03T16:10:00.001+05:30

This is dedicated to my "eyes", without whom I am blind...
This is for the two strings that tug at my heart......
This is for the two people because of whom I feel alive, loved and wanted....
This is for them who make my life worth living......

Each New Day .......

At the beginning of each new day
you walk into my mind.

You're the first thing I think of ,as
I rise to start my day.

Morning thoughts of you
bring a soft smile to my
face, with joy and happiness to
stay within my heart throughout my day.

It's you that gives me a sense of belonging
and the feeling of being loved and wanted ,as
my heart overflows with my love for you.

I hold each thought of you close to my heart
and every dream we share
is captured in my very soul.

Your love brings
fulfillment and contentment to me.

I start each day whispering to you.

Wherever you may go today, my love
whatever you may do
if you stop and think of me know that
I'm thinking of you too because,
I love you so.

The best list of goof-ups....

2007-07-11T09:37:00.000+05:30

Now, this is hillarious.

I am still laughing........

Life....

2007-07-10T11:43:00.000+05:30

Life

Is

A

Bitch

And

A

Major Dissappointment.....

Well, not always but most of the times

:-(

Wish List.....

2007-07-06T07:30:00.000+05:30

My wish list....

1. A small vacation to anywhere
2. A little peace and quite
3. A nice book to read
4. A huge glass of cold watermelon juice on the side
5. Uninterupted 10 hrs sleep
6. Lots of playtime with my kiddo

Is it a lot to ask for? I don't think so...after slogging for seven full years I deserve this much at least...

I think all I actually need is a show down with a few people.

Then I can get on with my life.....the way I want to......

7 years ago.....

2007-06-21T10:15:00.000+05:30

I read a blog today about guys at the fag end of their college days. A lot of emotions expressed in a lot of beautiful words.

That got me thinking about my own last few college days. I wondered what it felt like 7 years ago. What it felt like to know life will never be the same again.....I hardly remember a thing. I can hardly recollect a single one of those days. I can hardly remember that last day when I saw my pals of four years in the college that one last time. I am sure I would have wanted to hug my closest friends....shed a tear or two....I am sure of that.....but I hardly remember anything that went on....it is as though everything has been wiped out of the memory.....

Now, I wonder why? Why was it that I chose to (or just plain) forget everything?

Was it:

a kind of numbness?
a kind of forced acceptance....
a rude shock?
the hope that things would be better now...
the bold facade posing to the new life ahead of me?
the anticipation of sweeter things to come?
the maturity as I was stepping into another phase of my life too?
the scary feeling of having to enter two phases of life at once?
because of the rant and rave going on within?
because I had met the man of my life?
or just plain confusion?

I will never know.....for it has been 7 long years....so much has happened within the short period of 7 years..its hard to remember anything at all....

I also wonder, if I never wanted to remember anything at all..........was my memory loss intentional?

The daughter I will never have.....

2007-06-20T14:46:00.000+05:30

Once I start, I cannot resist :-)

Ain't he (or she?) cute....

Can anyone believe its a boy and not a girl :-)

My Baby....

2007-06-20T14:40:00.000+05:30

Look at my baby....

My bundle of joy.....

The light of my life.....

My Son....

My SUN....

People....

2007-06-14T08:58:00.000+05:30

Why do people lie?

Why do people back-bite?

Enlighten me people......

Moving.........

2007-05-08T14:25:00.000+05:30

End of a chapter...

Start of another....

Transition is painful....

The unbeleiving looks...

Looks of disappointment...

The taunts...

The anger......

The I-don't-recognize-you look.......

The how-can-anyone-be-so-stupid look..........

Life moves on.........for good or for the worst.....and so I move on...........for better or the worse.....

Happy!!! Yippppey!

2007-05-07T08:43:00.000+05:30

When you are sad..you are blue...

When you are envious.....you are green.... (Yeah Green ;-))

When you are angry....you are red....

Will someone tell me what colour you are when you are happy?

Truly happy....for someone very special....for their very special time in life.....

How can I express my own happiness? With a big hug? Here you go.......

Every piece of the puzzle called life falls into place.......in time......

God, Congratulations my dearest!!!!

A very good write up....."Star vs Star"

2006-12-13T08:58:00.000+05:30

I found this very thought provoking write up in one of the forwards I happened to read....

Star versus 'Star'

On Tuesday a news swept across all the news channels 'Sanjay Datt relieved by the court'. 'Sirf Munna Not a bhai' '13 saal ka vanvaas khatam' 'alhough found guilty for possession of armory, Sanjay can breath sigh of relief as all the TADA charges against him are withdrawn' And then many experts like Salman khan saying 'He is a good person. We knew he will come out clean' Mr. Big B 'Datt family and our family have relations for years he's a good kid. He is like elder brother to abhishek'. His sister priya Datt 'we can sleep well tonight?it's a great relief'

In other news, Parliament was mad at Indian team for performing bad; Greg chapel said something ?..; Bomb scare in gorakhpoor express; and Shah Rukh Khan replaces Big B in KBC and Sonia asked PM to consider reducing petroleum prices (I wonder who's the PM ?anyways that is not the topic so leave it?) But most of the emphasis was given on Sanjay Datt's "phoenix like" comeback from the ashes of terrorist charges.

Surfing through the channels, one news on BBC startled me, it read, Hisbul Mujahidin's Most wanted terrorist 'Sohel Faisal' killed in anantnag, India. Indian Major leading the operation lost his life in the process. Four others are injured.

It was past midnight, I started visiting the Indian channels, the ones who are 'Sabse TEZ', but Sanjubaba was still ruling. They were telling How Sanjubaba pleaded to the court saying 'I am the sole bread earner for my family' 'I have a daughter who is studying in US who will look after her'. And then they showed how sanjubaba was not wearing his lucky blue shirt while he was hearing the verdict. Also how he went to every temple and prayed for last some months. A suspect in Mumbai bomb blasts, convicted under armory act?..was being made into a hero.

Major Manish H Pitambare got the information from his sources about the terrorists' whereabouts. Wasting no time he attacked the camp killed the Hisbul mujahidin's suprimo and in the process lost his life?..To the bullets fired from an AK47?? He has a wife and a daughter (just like sanjubaba), age ?..18 months.

Major Manish never said 'I have a daughter' ?before he took the decision to attack the terrorist hide out in the darkest of nights?He never thought about having a family and he being the bread earner.

No news channel covered this since they were too busy hyping a former drug addict, an actor in real and reel life, a suspect who's linked to bomb blasts which killed hundreds. Their aim was to show how he defied the TADA charges and they were so successful that his conviction in possession of armory had no meaning. They also concluded that his parents in heaven must be happy and proud of him??

Parents of Major Pitambare are still on this earth and they have to live rest of their lives without their beloved son. His daughter won't ever see her papa again.Definition of a Star has changed Major? it really has. So sanjubaba always has a gun in every one of his movies then in real life if he has an AK47 then what's the big deal we are used to see him with some ammunition without it he's just a 49yr old hero so he did it for us?..so that we feel normal;

Even if one of the bullets from one of such AK47's took a Real Star's life ??

but sir bole toh ?.. tension nahi leneka. Aapun ko thoda bura laga. Apun pure din aapke baarein mein socha. Sach bataun kya aapun dukhi matlab ki senty ho gaya isliye ye likha.

Sorry major, to my generation there is no greater hero than one who laid his life in the name of this great nation. Hence Sir, I salute you. You are the real Star, Vande mataram.

A good snipet........

2006-11-08T16:07:00.001+05:30

A good snippet I read in Gone with the Wind.....

"Ellen O’Hara was different, and Scarlett regarded her as something holy and apart from all the rest of humankind. When Scarlett was a child, she had confused her mother with the Virgin Mary, and now that she was older she saw no reason for changing her opinion. To her, Ellen represented the utter security that only Heaven or a mother can give. She knew that her mother was the embodiment of justice, truth, loving tenderness and profound wisdom—a great lady."

Mothers......they are indispensible aren't they?