A Tree - A Kid

There are some plants we fall in love at the first sight and water it affectionately, see it blossom and grow without an ounce of expectations from it. But before its fully grown, before it bears the fruit of your love, you have moved so far away from the tree - you rarely see it, and when you see it from afar, your heart swells with pride - but nevertheless its not yours anymore. It does not even know you played a part in its survival.

There are some kids, whom we shower with love and affection, see them grow to young adults, bask in their achievements. Disciplining the kid was not your charter, because you were not a parent, but an aunt or an older cousin. Spoiling and pampering were abundantly done and was mutually enjoyable. When you see that same sapling turning into the tree that once you had dreamed it would grow into - you are so far away - so painfully far away - cut out from its life completely.

All that is left is to look at is what can be seen the public domain of the facebook profile, an occasional photo - a small thumbnail of the facebook profile pic and wonder how the kid would talk now? What are her interests now that she is grown up? Does she still like to sing? Is she still a fan of a Sachin and Saurav? Does she remember me or the good times we had?

When the third and fourth cousins are on her "friend" list - you wonder if she was really yours or were you just dreaming? Did you even touch that baby when she was first brought home from the hospital? Did you carry her and walk around the house singing to her to keep her calm so that her mom could eat? Cried when she uttered her first words? Went to her prize distributions with the same pride as a parent? Did you deck her up in your best saree and could not help but shed a few tears of joy seeing her dressed like a doll?

Relationships are crazy - but why do we complicate life so much? Is there no place for genuine love and affection anymore?

Ouch...that hurts :(

"Please don't shatter the peace and tranquility of life."

This is what I want to remind myself for the rest of my life whenever I get crazy and start believing that there exists a surgical procedure which will last a few hours and recovery period is a day or two max.

A few things I have learnt over the past two weeks:

Feeling tired is not when I come back from office and feel too lazy to move. Feeling tired is that zapped out feeling when you cannot even lift your finger to save your life. Feeling tired is when your whole body feels like a burden to your own self.

Patience is something available in abundance with some people I openly termed "impatient". But for that patience, I would still be a patient.

Unconditional love is not expressed when you proclaim. It is not what you define as "I love you no matter what you do". It is what makes you want to help your loved one in the worst possible situation, which involves stench, sweat, tears, pain and half-conscious and tonnes and tonnes of irritability and accusations.

There are some feelings and some generosities, like the one mentioned above, which cannot be returned. It is not a favor or a tit-for-tat kind of thing. You take a hell lot of time to develop that. Till then sit back and enjoy and count your blessings.

There are very few people who can give you positive thoughts and mean it at the same time. Like a close pal who said "get well and we will go watch a movie" when I was half-conscious, in pain and not sure if I would last the day. Or a child who made lists of "want to do"s with you, when you are up and about. Cherish these people, for there is a dearth of such beings. At the same time, there is an abundance of people who will be all negative and go ga-ga about how stupid you were. I wish to God, anyone in my state would get the strength to show them the middle finger.

Something I never forget, but want to re-iterate, parents are the only people who will stand by you even when you have made an ass of yourself. They are the only ones who will remind you your reasons for making a decision and executing it, when you are cursing yourself for your own foolishness. They are the only ones, who once convinced that something is being done for your betterment, will have their faith no matter what, even when you are convinced it was a wrong decision on your part. Experience says, "they are always right"!!

No surgery ever leaves you well enough to work after a day. All surgeries will cost you your blood and for a weekling like me, it entails a lot of other complications.

First Paycheck

Imagine working hard for years, when you don't get any paychecks. All that keeps you going is your sheer love for the work your are doing, the way you fall in love with the sculpture you are sculpting. You give all of your heart and soul to that one sculpture. You pour your love and tears and talent into that one sculpture, right from when its a crude stone, when there is no shape or contour to the stone....when you have no idea how it will turn out once you are done with it. I bow down to the power of love, the power of belief that your sculpture is going to be beautiful.

When you can unconditionally love your crude stone, even before it becomes a sculpture, how deep is this love. What a miracle..what a magic this love is. I don't believe you will love your sculpture more than your stone....since you have started off with all you have, all the love you can ever summon from inside, what more can you gather?

I am in a phase, now, when I am seeing the rough outline of my "stone". My crude is turning slowly turning into the idol I dreamt of. Its not done yet, not even half way through and I see my dreams materializing. I see my hard work paying off. I know there is a lot more do, lot more times I have to hit the stone with hard, soft strokes and chip a few rough edges, but at this vantage point, it looks awesome. It shows the tidings of all the good things to come.

The sacrifices I made, the sleepless nights, the despair, the bog-me-downs, every bit of it seems worth it. The stone did not ask me to do all this, the only thing that made me do it was the sheer potential of the stone, to be turned into a beautiful sculpture. I was not born with the skills, to be a sculpture, I learnt it. I was not an expert and still am not....but it made me give my best...made me learn, made me responsible, made me want to do it.

I thank the sculptures who made me what I am today and my idol for bringing out the best in me.

Thank God.....I have what I have. Thank God I did not take any wrong turns while getting here.

Yearn....

If yearning for you is wrong,
Then my heart knows not what is right,
I dream myself to sleep,
Every second of the night.

What is there to do?
What is there to say?
I know I can't have you 
But still I dream away.

I'd walk a thousand miles,
To see those beautiful midnight smiles,
I'd shed those million tears again,
And go through all the pain,
Maybe give a thousand nights' sleep,
Just to look into those eyes so deep,
But what is there to feel?  
When I know I can’t have you  

If you were to be,
You would be my dream come true
I wished upon a star for you 
But what am I to know?
What he had in store
For me, for you,
For the life that awaited us,
Which I now know will remain a dream,
But still I give myself away

My dreams, My Love,
That one part of me,
Stand frozen,
Waiting to be showered,
Waiting to be professed,
Ah, My little Angel,
Its so painful,
To know how much I yearn for you,
And that I can never have you.

Profound loss....

I wish you never came into my life,

Even though you brought in a lot of smiles, a lot of meaning to my days,

You filled my heart with a kind of warmth that made me mend my crude ways,

You lent me a shoulder to lean on and an ear to pour my woes,

You became a treasured friend, to whom I had a lot to owe.

Then came the thunder and lightning...

Whence began the parting,

Exodus made me feel tormented by your mere presence,

Made me wonder what is driving us to do this, lose our essence,

I wonder what was happening inside you,

I wonder why I felt so blue,

I wonder what you ached to tell me, 

I wonder if it would have changed the course of our lives, if we had paused to see!

Eventually, I wished to get away from you,

Aware, that, in the process I was aching much more than you,

Ensuing days proved the torment was much more tolerable,

A new life meant,

A new flavor of same torment!

A sadness so profound,

That made me forget of life's sweet sound.

Without much ado, I made my peace with life, 

Dealt my fate with a iron hand, 

When what I needed most was the soothing voice of a special friend.

How I wished you beside me,

When I struggled to acheive what everyone said was not for me,

How I wished you were at my bedside,

When I saw our cute little dream baby lying by my side,

I hoped you were leading a better life than mine,

With a heart full of love and a career that was fine,

I hoped you were happy and contented with an overflowing purse,

and that you remembered me, even if it were just to curse.

I wish God had let us be,

He had other plans for us you see,

He brought us together once again,

It was a miracle, when it felt we were never far away,

We picked up right from where we had left!

Just when the sun started to shine,

We had to part, but its fine,

As long as this will not be a very long hiatus yet again,

When all our efforts to see each other will go in vain.....

Time Travel....

I picked up this tag from Joy, from where I seem to pick up all my tags :)

Two questions in each category answer them and then tag your friends from the blog-o-sphere. (Simple enough right) Leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been tagged and you are all set.
Yesterday - Your oldest memory - What were you doing 10 years ago?
Today -Your first thought today morning - If you built a time capsule today what would it contain?
Tomorrow - This year ….What do you see yourself doing 14 years from now?

Ok here are my thoughts:

Yesterday:

My Oldest Memory - is the day I celebrated my, I think, 8th year birthday. At that time, we used to stay quite far away from my school, in a new house. That was my last year in that school, where I had studied from when I began schooling. And so, my parents thought they would get me a cake to cut in my class (it was a privilege in those days, distributing chocolates would be the common thing). I was drooling over not the cake but all the attention I was about to get. I went with my dad and his friend to get the cake. We bought it from a prestoigious bakery and then my dad suggested we keep it an aunt's house near the school so that mom and me wouldn't have to carry it back in the morning. It made sense, nevertheless, a very disturbing idea as I did not trust my aunt's two children: one a year elder to me and another 2 years younger. But what could I say? My heart was beating in my mouth the whole night and the joy of seeing my cake when my aunt came down the steps with that cake is something I will never forget. I kept wondering from where the two 5 star choco bars came from, along with the cake (I was doubly sure my dad hadn't bought them, chocos were a strict no no back then) till I realized many many years later (ok..I am a slow learner) that it was my aunt's gift!!

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Oh life was pretty boring back then. I was in my second year of Engineering..so surely, I would be sweltering in the class or slogging in the library or running around to get some stupid notes for some God forbidden subject, which I would never ever use in my professional life.


Today:

Your first thought today morning?
"Man tomorrow is a saturday and its a holiday for my kid...so I can sleep in..." I haven't had a decent night's sleep in a month or so.... :(


If you built a time capsule today what would it contain?
It would contain the bliss of life as it is now. I would surely first add in the moment I held my baby in my arms, I can still feel the elation. How blessed and on top of the world I felt that day.....amazing...

Tomorrow:

This year:
Hmm...well, this year is almost ending isn't it? By the end of the year I would like to set up my home and bring some semblence of normalcy into our lives.

What do you see yourself doing 14 years from now?
I see myself out of the rat race, doing what I always wanted to do, teach, whatever I can, wherever I can to whomever I can.

Mixed Bag

I am happy, tensed, apprehensive and a lot of things. And why is that? Coz I am going to set up my own home, again, after a really long hiatus of 7 years. The first time was lovely, seemingly uncomplicated and far easier when compared to this time.

First time I set up a home of my own, it was in a different city, with probable visitors ranging from or limited to my parents, in laws and an occasional uncle or an aunt. But this time, its going to be a different ball game. I am setting up my home in the epicenter of our family's activities. This is the time when the prodigal daughter and son, who got married to someone who is not in a "FOREIGN" country, the wife of the blackest sheep of the family, and the husband of the most-uncareer-minded girl (Forgive me..thats such a sad usage), will be judged. Does this bother me? To a little extent I guess. I have not matured enough..not quite..yet.

Anyways, now I get to put my name on the name board. No one ever can dare to ignore my presence or conviniently forget my name now!!!

P.S: I think only my closest family members will understand the significance of the last statement. So be it!