Time Travel....

I picked up this tag from Joy, from where I seem to pick up all my tags :)

Two questions in each category answer them and then tag your friends from the blog-o-sphere. (Simple enough right) Leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been tagged and you are all set.
Yesterday - Your oldest memory - What were you doing 10 years ago?
Today -Your first thought today morning - If you built a time capsule today what would it contain?
Tomorrow - This year ….What do you see yourself doing 14 years from now?

Ok here are my thoughts:

Yesterday:

My Oldest Memory - is the day I celebrated my, I think, 8th year birthday. At that time, we used to stay quite far away from my school, in a new house. That was my last year in that school, where I had studied from when I began schooling. And so, my parents thought they would get me a cake to cut in my class (it was a privilege in those days, distributing chocolates would be the common thing). I was drooling over not the cake but all the attention I was about to get. I went with my dad and his friend to get the cake. We bought it from a prestoigious bakery and then my dad suggested we keep it an aunt's house near the school so that mom and me wouldn't have to carry it back in the morning. It made sense, nevertheless, a very disturbing idea as I did not trust my aunt's two children: one a year elder to me and another 2 years younger. But what could I say? My heart was beating in my mouth the whole night and the joy of seeing my cake when my aunt came down the steps with that cake is something I will never forget. I kept wondering from where the two 5 star choco bars came from, along with the cake (I was doubly sure my dad hadn't bought them, chocos were a strict no no back then) till I realized many many years later (ok..I am a slow learner) that it was my aunt's gift!!

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Oh life was pretty boring back then. I was in my second year of Engineering..so surely, I would be sweltering in the class or slogging in the library or running around to get some stupid notes for some God forbidden subject, which I would never ever use in my professional life.


Today:

Your first thought today morning?
"Man tomorrow is a saturday and its a holiday for my kid...so I can sleep in..." I haven't had a decent night's sleep in a month or so.... :(


If you built a time capsule today what would it contain?
It would contain the bliss of life as it is now. I would surely first add in the moment I held my baby in my arms, I can still feel the elation. How blessed and on top of the world I felt that day.....amazing...

Tomorrow:

This year:
Hmm...well, this year is almost ending isn't it? By the end of the year I would like to set up my home and bring some semblence of normalcy into our lives.

What do you see yourself doing 14 years from now?
I see myself out of the rat race, doing what I always wanted to do, teach, whatever I can, wherever I can to whomever I can.

Mixed Bag

I am happy, tensed, apprehensive and a lot of things. And why is that? Coz I am going to set up my own home, again, after a really long hiatus of 7 years. The first time was lovely, seemingly uncomplicated and far easier when compared to this time.

First time I set up a home of my own, it was in a different city, with probable visitors ranging from or limited to my parents, in laws and an occasional uncle or an aunt. But this time, its going to be a different ball game. I am setting up my home in the epicenter of our family's activities. This is the time when the prodigal daughter and son, who got married to someone who is not in a "FOREIGN" country, the wife of the blackest sheep of the family, and the husband of the most-uncareer-minded girl (Forgive me..thats such a sad usage), will be judged. Does this bother me? To a little extent I guess. I have not matured enough..not quite..yet.

Anyways, now I get to put my name on the name board. No one ever can dare to ignore my presence or conviniently forget my name now!!!

P.S: I think only my closest family members will understand the significance of the last statement. So be it!

Home...

We had been studying the unit about animals and their homes for a couple of days. In the middle of something, seeing my son fly across the room, I just said, "I love you honey bee", still looking at my lappie.

And shoot comes the answer, without a pause, without a blink "I love you to, my hive".

I had to stop and think about what he had said.....he just smiled the mischievous smile of his and returned to practice gymnastics, which he is obsessed with after Beijing Olympics.

Man, am I not the luckiest one?

A egotistic post.....

I am: a scorpion
I think: of my blessings always
I know: I have a horrible temper
I want: to spend every minute talking to my mom
I have: a very very cute kid
I wish: I am a little more matured
I hate: arguing with my dad
I miss: all the things we did in Mangalore
I fear: my temper
I feel: a warmth whenever I see my mother playing with my kid
I hear: Adi's voice always
I smell: wet mud and hot coffee
I crave: for my mother's BBB
I search: for ways to make my parents happy
I wonder: if I have turned out to be a good daughter
I regret: all those days when I hurt my mom
I love: my family
I ache: for my lost innocence
I am not: very patient
I believe: in Almighty and his power to heal the wounds
I dance: with my son
I sing: daily to my son
I cry : whenever I feel I am a second priority in someone's life who is my first priority
I don’t always : see the positive things in life
I fight : a lot with D :)
I write: always in my mind...I have written about 100 bestsellers so far :)
I win: all my arguments with D ;)
I lose: my temper like there is no tomorrow
I never: miss a chance to spend time with my kid
I always: yearn to be near my son and listen to all his stories
I confuse: D, always......
I listen: to my dad.....
I can usually be found: in front of my lappie or cuddling my son
I am scared: of vermins....yuck
I need: to learn not to speak aloud my thoughts always...
I am happy about: All that God has given me till now...including the pains and tears....

If you ask stupid questions be sure you will get stupid answers...

A dialogue with a supposedly intelligent man:
He: So which school are you putting your son in?
Me: Oh I have a few options, but I think I will put him in XYZ.... (unnecessarily chatty...*kick*)
He: Oh I see, is this XYZ a good school?
Me: Oh no, it is the worst school ever. Did you know they make the kids clean the drain on a daily basis there? My, how I love to have my son do it, bedsides they whip the kids once in a while.

How I wish I had said all that....I just screwed up my face and said "Yes". Another *KICK*

Phantom Limb Pain???

One phrase uttered and so much of pain felt. It originates at the heart, spreads to the soul as a single shooting, sharp arrow. I sit there having a lot fun, laughing my lungs out, when all of a sudden, one phrase catches my attention. My mind tries to drag my heart away, tries to make fun of it too, like everything lese, but.....

"We are beating them at their own game!!!"

Uttered with so much pride, eyes twinkling, a smile peeps out. A smile of achievement. Why did it hit me like a bolt of lightning taking my breath away?

I was a part of them, not so long ago. I am a part of "We" now, solely because I was a part of them then. Can I ever cease to be a part of them? Rather can I ever "ampute" their essence from my life? The essence which made life livable, bearable and gave me a ray of hope in the darkness of night.

Why do these emotions catch me unawares always?

This pain is the sensation from a part of my soul, a part of my being that has been lost.

From which I no longer receive signals. Or do I?

And Life goes on!

End of yet another chapter.
Begining of yet another.
The end leaves a pain as always
The begining causes butterflies in the stomach, as always
Incertitude of the end as well as the begining looms large ahead, which is nothing new
"What if's" and "If only's" play games making the mind askew
Where did those years go? Years of toil, hard work and warm tears shed
Thanks to the supreme force that prepared me for my rough years ahead
And life goes on.....

Carrying a Grudge...

An interesting topic for me from here.

She was feeling so burdened. She was overpowered by a minute speck in the universe. She felt hatred towards a few people because they seemed to be so far away from her own pains and stayed oblivious to the fact their every word were slicing through her heart. She felt nauseated with him when he acted as though what had happened had not even touched him, let alone hurt him. She was overwhelmed and hurt at the same time looking at his "nevermind" attitude. She thought about how everytime someone made a small joke about him she had flared up to support him. It hurt her to think that he did not seem to have noticed how they had bruised her so far and continued to do so. She despaired his lack of action. She kept brooding when he would speak up. She knew the words had hurt him as much as it had hurt her. But still the fact that unlike her he did not cry, unlike her he did not feel belittled, unlike her he did not feel humiliated, made things worse for her. Those were the situations which forced her to carry a grudge. She nurtured her grudge with the same care she would nurture her baby. It was not all her fault though. The same people fed her grudge enough for it grow uninhibitedly. Some day, she thought, I will prove them all wrong and make them feel sorry for what they did and what they said.

One day she did, she had proven all of them wrong. She had taken all of them by surprise. She had shown her strength and that day she looked carefully at her grudge. It had grown by leaps and bounds. She immediately deduced she was driven to perform well by her grudge. She thought she was correct in carrying a grudge against them who had wronged her.

She confronted him then about his lack of action and lack of a grudge. He just smiled and asked her what was that mattered to her the most, now that she had done both - carried a grudge as heavy as a ton of iron and achieved a goal as important as a breath. It was then she realized, the grudge was just not as important as it was a few years ago. The people against whom she harbored the grudge had ceased to be important in their lives. What was important was that she had him and she had his support. She then realized, it was not her grudge that had driven her towards her goal, it was his support. He did, indeed, carry a grudge. By supporting her he had nurtured his grudge. He had carried his grudge all along.........

Tid Bits.....

I read Joy do a tag and found it interesting. I just picked it up even though I am not tagged. Let me see how much I have to think/recall to answer each one of these simple questions. Life has been so dull and full of unnecessary crap that I have started to forget what I am really like......So lets see....

Last Movie You Saw In A Theater:
Taare Zameen Par; I liked the movie but regretted taking Mom along. One regret that I will carry all my life

What Book Are You Reading:
Five Point Someone, by Chetan Bhagat; The book sucks big time *Yuck*

Favorite Board Game:
Chess; I cherish all those times when I spent hours together plotting against my Jeeju, who has till date not lost a game!

Favorite Magazine:
Frontline and Outlook

Favorite Smells:
Smell of a hot hot Mysore Pak! Lip smacking!!!!

Favorite Sound:
Adi's voice;

Worst Feeling In The World:
Hatred

What Is The First Thing You Think Of When You Wake? :
The moment I wake up I look at my baby sleeping peacefully, with a half-opened mouth and think "When did the time fly?"

Favorite Fast Food Place:
Quite a few actually...ranging from Dosa camps to Bhel houses

Future Child's Name:
Aditi....if at all she is born

Finish This Statement. "If I Had A Lot Of Money I'd...”:
Buy D a lot of CD clothes and build us a private swimming pool

Do You Drive Fast? :
Well....I did, 5 years back...but no, not anymore.

Do You Sleep With A Stuffed Animal?:
I sleep with my little-5 year old-animal-who-is-stuffed-with-warmth-and-love

Storms-Cool Or Scary? :
Literal ones - cool; Metaphorical - scary; been through enough storms already

What Was Your First Car?:
Was? None :( ; Will be: A Honda/A Chevrolet :)

Favourite drink:
A cup of Cappuccino....yummy...

Finish This Statement, "If I Had The Time I Would .....” :
Spend every minute with Adi....

Do You Eat The Stems On Broccoli?:
Broccoli is edible? *Surprised look* When did they declare it edible???

If You Could Dye Your Hair Any Color, What Would Be Your Choice? :
Peppy pink...yoooohoooo

Name All The Different Cities/Towns You Have Lived In
Bangalore and Mangalore

Favorite Sports To Watch:
Swimming and Volley Ball

One Nice Thing About The Person Who Sent This To You:
"Not Applicable" -- As they say in application forms

What's Under Your Bed?:
Dust would be my guess....Coz if I bend down to look I will sneeze till my heart rips open...

Would You Like To Be Born As Yourself Again?
Well....sure.....but my parents deserve better....

Morning Person Or Night Owl?:
While studying - a night owl; while working - a morning person

Over Easy Or Sunny Side Up?:
Neither

Favorite Place To Relax:
Yet to come across such a place

Favorite Pie:
Apple pie...with a dollop of ice cream.....

Favorite Ice Cream Flavor:
Depends...strawberry usually...

Of All The People You Tagged This To, Who's Most Likely To Respond First?
Me not taggin anyone....

Ok...man was this Fun!!! Thanks Joy..it was really joyful doing this!

Crossroads

"Giving up something doesn't mean that you are weak. Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let it go"

Why do I stand at crossroads every march-April-may time of the year?

The question should I or shouldn't I arises every year, exactly at the same period.

Now if anyone still reads my blog, help me figure this one out please:

What should be my choice?

1. A good work culture, an OK types of pay, a work environment stinking of politics, a good scope for growth ; A known Devil basically

OR

2. An unknown work culture, a good pay, an unknown work environment, considerable scope for growth; An unknown Angel

"A known devil is better than an unknown angel" is all easier said than done.

Why do we do this?

Eons ago I was in a place I so detested. Being in that place made me despise the place even more. I kept wondering what makes us do this. What makes people so happy even when they are so humiliated? What makes people say prayers and get all anxious to get the permission to enter some god-forbidden (?) land to be treated like slaves? Right from the way they check your whole body for "possible-hidden-weapons" to the way they make you stand in long queues to the way they ask you to leave the premises once the business is done is all so humiliating.

I saw an old couple appear in front of a one-of-them and fold both palms together and say "namaste". The one-of-them asked them so many questions to, supposedly, ascertain their good intentions and said "Do stay in my country for Christmas. But make sure you don't stay beyond that!". The dialogue ended with a huge belly laugh, of course from the one-of-them. The couple was so overcome by his words that they were speechless. I was shocked to see the expression on the old couple's face. Instead of scorn or even hurt or at least a straight face, it was filled with gratitude! Gratitude? Why? Is that one-of-them doing them a favor? Isn't it the least he can do to enable an aged couple visit their child working like a slave for them, who probably doesn't even have time to come back to his country to see his parents?

Why did I do it myself? I still wonder. I can safely say, because my employers wanted me to. But the reaction of all my relatives was so overwhelming. For a split of a second I felt as though I had unknowingly won an Olympic race when I know I can't even run for my life. It was like "Oh!! Finally!! She has arrived. She is a bit slow on the uptake though. See my kids, they are two years younger to her and already left the country 4 years ago. Anyway, better late than never." Suddenly, "Yene visa banthante? Yavag horadthee?" "Hearty Congratulations!!" were shot at me with wonder in eyes. The unbelieving, we-have-lost-hope-in-you-to-be-a-khandaan-ki-roshni, looks were replaced with joyous smiles. It made me feel as though I was about to commit a huge crime and at the nth moment decided not to, keeping in mind the "family values". A kind of "just miss" :)

When I was growing up, the definition of a successful child in the family would be: has a good job, with a good salary, taking good care of parents, teaching his/her kids good values and taking his/her parents to kaashi and rameswaram. And now it has changed to: Touring the world every 10 days, on company's expense (mind you) and/or staying in a godforsaken land and sending "papers" to his/her parents with ticket money so that parents can "visit" them. It so happens that these "visits" always coincides with the birth of their offspring or transfer of their spouse or some illness. As we say in kannada "Idella Yaava Purushartakko?"

There were only two people who were unmoved (rather displeased with the whole business) by the results of my "holy pilgrimage". One was unhappy because he could have gone to the beach and soaked wet for the whole time that I spent inside a god-forsaken, paraniodly-secure building. Another, because, well, she thinks just like me, rather I think just like her!

Low levels of Seratonin

Really low levels.

Hope the supplements work.

Pray that it works.

Will be back when seratonin level bounces back to normalcy.

Blessings....

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

This is so true. During my years of pain and suffering, I often thought about how he had deserted me during my hour of need. I despaired that I prayed to such a God who would just leave me in the middle of nowhere. I nevertheless prayed. In a corner of my heart, a tiny light used to glow which reminded me of my promise to him years ago, when I first started understanding his blessings. "I will pray unto thee" whatever happens, where ever I am, whatever I am. So pray I did.

Now, after the storm, after being uprooted more than once, these words make a lot of sense to me. I shudder to think of all the things that could have horribly gone bad, if he had not "carried" me, so to say. Carry he did. He made sure I came out of the stormy period with minimum of bruises and a cart load of lessons learnt for life. Lessons which would form my life in future.

Thank you lord. Thank you for making me what I am today. Thank you for giving me the strength to survive the storm. Thank you for helping to put my head up today and say "Yes, people I have arrived"

I again promise you, "I will pray unto thee whatever happens"

My Mother....

When pain and sickness made me cry,
Who gaz'd upon my heavy eye,
And wept, for fear that I should die?
My Mother.

Who ran to help me when I fell,
And would some pretty story tell,
Or kiss the place to make it well?
My Mother.

And can I ever cease to be
Affectionate and kind to thee,
Who wast so very kind to me,
My Mother.

Ah! no, the thought I cannot bear;
And if God please my life to spare,
I hope I shall reward thy care,
My Mother.

When thou art feeble, old, and gray,
My healthy arm shall be thy stay,
And I will soothe thy pains away,
My Mother.

And when I see thee hang thy head,
'Twill be my turn to watch thy bed,
And tears of sweet affection shed,
My Mother.

For God, who lives above the skies,
Would look with vengeance in His eyes,
If I should ever dare despise,
My Mother.

One of the best poems I have ever read. The lines of this poem keep floating to the top of my train of thoughts quite often these days.

We make so many demands as babies, as toddlers, as teenagers and as adults. She is always a taken-for-granted source of help. She meets all our demands, gives all that we want and keeps ready all that we may want. She puts our needs before hers. Her whole life aligns itself with our needs, our demands and our lives. She fights our battles for us or when she can't do that, she will be our pillar of strength enabling us to fight as well as win our battles.

Finally, when the time comes for us hold her hand when she fights her last battle, just hold her hand, not fight her battle for her, why do people fail her? Why do people think about leaving her in a hospital to be cared for while they go on a jolly trip? I am forced to think what would have happened to the kid had he/she been left in a hospital (or on roads for that matter) so that the mother could go on a jolly trip. Believe me, she would have deserved a break like that. But then she never does that, she would consider such a thought a sacrilege!

What race do we belong to? Where are we heading?

5 Years....

Well, it is that time of the year again, when I stop to think, to look back, try desperately to hold on to so many beautiful memories the past 5 years have given me. I try not to forget even a single bit of it. I try to collect the memories, the bits of happiness and the moments of joys and hold them close to my heart. Some memories, though, send a shiver down my spine......even today.

Five years ago, I got a bundle of joy wrapped in a blue blanket which stared at me with those bright brown eyes....which held my little finger so tightly and purred at me as though saying "Finally, I get to see you! Hi Maaa!! How are you doing?" I feel as though it was just a week or two ago that I saw your first smile, just a day or two ago, that I saw you take your first steps towards me and looking totally shocked at what you had done. I had to hug you and console you and make you understand, it was the first time you had "walked" on your own, that there was nothing wrong with it.

I still remember the first time you called me "ma". It always used to be "tha", to address anything that moved. But all of a sudden, I heard "Ma", I turned, ran towards you and begged you to repeat it and you wouldn't, you just smiled that angelic smile of yours. Devil. Had to wait with my heart aching for another two hours before you would again say "Maaaa", so softly as though only angels could hear you. I heard you though. Then, out of the blues, a few days later came "ththaththa".

I still remember your first day at school. Looking at all the other kids crying, you were like "Come on guys grow up. This is school for heaven's sake. You cannot have mom and dad around here". I remember seeing you go to a few of your less-brave classmates and saying "Don't cry baby", as though you were a 60 year old. But being my dear brave boy that you are, you started crying a week later when all the other kids had stopped. :)

Looking at you yesterday, I wonder if you are really five years old. Those 2 weeks in the hospital in your first year were the most painful I have ever had to endure. I was scared for your life. It was as though everything had come to an end abruptly. I still shiver when I remember your cries when they poked you all over your body. I still remember the "How can you let them do this to me?" look on your face. I still feel your desperation when you clung on to me for the next 2 weeks all 24 hours without a break. I still remember the friendly baby turned into a hostile patient, screaming at any white coat that approached. I still remember the countless dialogues with God and all the "thank yous" to Him and the relief when they finally let me take you back home. All this was so many years ago?

You are so grown up now, so big, so affectionate. You will start running your rat race very soon darling. Like us, your parents, you have a tough life ahead. You have to grow up to be a person exactly like your father. You have a big challenge there my dearest. I am sure you will. I just hope you will enjoy whatever you do. Whatever you do, whatever you become, be a good human being, just like your father. You are the cynosure of my eyes.....the "light" of my life.....

Vox Populi....

I was in the good books of some people till last week. And this week, lo and behold, I am in their hit list.

Not that I care though. But just thought I will pen down the exact thoughts that are passing through my mind. Funny....it is. Really.

Till last week, Doctors were good (and at times GOD), had a bright future and statements like "Just watch, he will make more money than you a few years down the line" and "Oh! Medicine?....its the safest profession" were being thrown at me.

Today, all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, I get to hear the dialogues that boil down (well...broadly) to "You are damned" "You are never going to make money like me because your spouse is a doctor and mine is not" (The said spouse doesn't do anything except sit on fat a&& at home all day long...but anyway)

Yo People, what the hell?

If I don't make money be rest assured I will not ask you for alms. If I do (oh yes, I know you would say its not possible.........just shut up!!!!) I solemnly swear I will not give you a penny either.

Go burn in an inferno.....

PS: My current mantra "Yes Boss" (Hope you get the drift....)

A Lament....

All of a sudden, as I was reading through a "Motivational thought" I remembered the words someone very special had scribbled in my autograph book. It happened years ago..but still, the words kind of echo in my ear, in my soul. That very special person will live somewhere in my thoughts...always.

"Always remember all the time that you have a goal to achieve and to achieve it one should have patience, perseverance and enthusiasm"

Yes, I have always remembered that I have a goal to achieve and I have shown enough patience, perseverance and enthusiasm to achieve it.

If only I could share the joys of achieving the goal with you....If only I could tell you that in spite of so many difficulties I did, finally, achieve my goal...If only I could tell you your words were like a lifeline...If only I could tell you your words meant a lot to me....

Miss you....

Conversation........

Phone rings.....

Me: Yeah

D: Busy?

Me: Not really...

D: Listen, there is a new Italian Restaurant in town

Me: *Grins* Where? Where?

D: *reads out some excerpts about asparagus and fondue**

Me: Ooooooooooooh *Droooooooooool* .....so when are we going?

D: Oh that? An average meal for two costs &*^% so....

Me: So? *Raises an eyebrow*

D: Never........

Me: "Why then did u call me Buster?"

D: ***Evil Grin and high pitched laugh***

Lazy day...stupid post.....Wish I could be at home....

Anger....

Yesterday, I was skimming through a magazine and read an article on how to control your anger. The author rightly said, anger is like fire, it burns the source faster than the target. The author went on to say that you should forgive the person who has hurt you and maybe write a forgiveness letter. If you are not up to posting it, just burn it. Once done, you will see your anger melt away.

I wonder if it is that simple?

I have always had those internal conversations about my anger. I always end up telling myself, I am not an angel to forgive and forget. I am, but a human being who has been hit where it hurts the most. I believe if you cannot forget the wrong doing you can never never forgive the person who wronged.

I can never forget the tears that used to well up in my eyes during the days which were supposed to be the happiest in my whole life. I was so full of happiness having got what I wanted the most. All the happiness was washed away in the tears that I shed. I still wonder what I had done to prompt people to do what they did. Everything came as a rude shock and killed my self-confidence and my self-respect, the two things I valued most in all my life. How can I ever forgive them? How can I ever forget those days, when I cried unendingly for no fault of mine? How can I ever forget the fact that it took me years to rebuild what I had lost? More so, a part of it which is gone for ever?

In hindsight, everything worked out as I had planned. There was no reason for them to hurt me the way they did. I was blessed with all that I yearned for. Except for those days, hours and minutes that I cried and did not smile at my happiness, I haven't lost much. Anger of course has burnt me from inside, but as far as I am concerned, it has only burnt the immense respect I had for them. On a positive note, I did gain a lot. I discovered the immense potential I had hitherto unknown to me. Now. I know, I can come out of any number of rough periods unscathed.

Madame Dorothée Deluzy "It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend"

Poem....

This is dedicated to my "eyes", without whom I am blind...
This is for the two strings that tug at my heart......
This is for the two people because of whom I feel alive, loved and wanted....
This is for them who make my life worth living......

Each New Day .......

At the beginning of each new day
you walk into my mind.

You're the first thing I think of ,as
I rise to start my day.

Morning thoughts of you
bring a soft smile to my
face, with joy and happiness to
stay within my heart throughout my day.

It's you that gives me a sense of belonging
and the feeling of being loved and wanted ,as
my heart overflows with my love for you.

I hold each thought of you close to my heart
and every dream we share
is captured in my very soul.

Your love brings
fulfillment and contentment to me.

I start each day whispering to you.

Wherever you may go today, my love
whatever you may do
if you stop and think of me know that
I'm thinking of you too because,
I love you so.